6

Review: Tantus Panty Play

You guys know that I love Tantus. Adore may be a better word, actually. But even the best have their bad days, and the Tantus Panty Play is a perfect example.

First, the good: The Panty Play is made from Tantus’ premium silicone (care info). Despite having a matte finish, it is very soft to the touch and doesn’t drag like I thought it might. If silicone could be considered petable, then that’s what this would be. It only comes in purple, but that’s okay, it’s a nice shade.

Panty Play is designed for biological females and is intended to be worn, nestled up to your vulva and held in place by your panties, hence the name. It is a solid piece of silicone with, what I am dubbing, wings. The wings are on either side of a large bump, and they form a tip in the back. On the underside is a hole for a vibrating bullet, which is how the toy is powered. Let’s break each part down.

The wings are pretty straight forward. They cradle your labia from front to back and should carry some vibration, though not much. They are fairly thin and flexible. The very back portion, as in the part that goes toward your vaginal opening, has a ticker piece. I find that the vibrations are muffled throughout the thin portions and do not really carry to that piece anyway.

The mound, bump, lump, hump… I’ll stop now… is meant to rub up against your clit and sit up in between your labia. It is the largest piece of the toy and it sits directly over the bullet. Because it is solid silicone, it does carry vibration, but it is more muffled than a hard plastic toy.

The bullet holster on this toy is brilliant. It comes with a watch battery bullet, like all Tantus vibrators. (I never use their toys as vibrators, I use them as the fabulous dildos that they are.) However, if you’ve ever had a silicone toy with a bullet hole carved into the bottom, you’ll know why they suck. Bullets get stuck in them, even when you use lube in the hole first, they can still stick! But Tantus has fixed this by created an opening with ribbed sides, allowing air to get all the way through the bullet cavity and preventing it from suctioning itself into place. BRILLIANT. This was the first toy I’d gotten from them with this design, but I’ve since seen it on others, I hope this is the new trend. I’m not going to sugar coat the situation with the bullet itself, though. It’s pretty crappy. The vibrations are not strong enough to really get past the deadening of the silicone, and then… watch batteries. Ugh. Now, I have not personally tried it, but from everything I hear, the We-Vibe Salsa is the way to go. It is small, plastic, rechargeable, fits into all these bullet holes, and is STRONG. Lilly says it is strong, and I believe her. So if you’re tired of watch battery bullets, but love the toys they come with, maybe check that out. I hope to get my hands on one and report back.

So, back to Panty Play, and bringing it all together. It sounds decent enough in theory, but there are too many flaws for me. One is obvious, it is difficult to simultaneously wear and operate something like this, so it isn’t going to be great for public. If that’s what you’re looking for, of course. The bigger problem, however, is less obvious. Anatomy.

Vulvas are different, ya’ll. Some of them have no labia, some have excessive labia. Some have more minora, I have none. My very sad finding was that this toy simple refuses to play nicely with my anatomy, and I want to help you avoid having the same problem. Here’s a handy dandy vag map, in case you get lost.

I have, what I feel are, fairly average labia majora. However, I have no labia minora. I make up for it with a rather pronounced mons pubis, and while my clit is not particularly hidden, it does not protrude. All of this is important, because for this toy to work for you, you’ll need to consider these things. I do not think my labia are the problem, I do think my mons is. Having a large mons pubis means the toy cannot get pushed high enough to reach my clit, making it a sad, sad tease.

I think that the Panty Play could work, but it will be for people with specific anatomical arrangements. Your clit should be accessible, and your mons less pronounced. You should not have extremely large labia, of either variety. You should either be very sensitive to vibrations, or be prepared to change the bullet out for something with more power. I know that’s a lot of hangups, but I want to make sure you understand how specific a set of circumstances there are in order to ensure success.

The reason I’m not slaughtering it is because I think Tantus meant well. It isn’t a bad toy. It doesn’t hurt me. It just doesn’t work, either. I do think there are better options. Either a wearable vibrator like the We-Vibe III or Lelo Tiani II, which are both controlled via remote. Or maybe even a decent corded bullet.

Vulvas come in a variety of shapes and sizes, so it is difficult to find a one-size fits all solution. Unfortunately Panty Play missed the mark, or my clit, as the case may be.

4

Top Toys of 2012

For the first time ever, I am making a roundup of all the toys I’ve loved, and hated, in the last year. In fact, since I didn’t do one prior, I’m opening it up to the 43 reviews I’ve written since I started reviewing. These toys are just the ones I’ve reviewed in that time frame, they may not have been new, just new to me. In fact, the best toys I’ve tried haven’t even been written about yet, something to look forward to in the new year! Without further ado…

 The Good…

Best Strap-On Accessory: Tantus Leisure A truly fantastic dildo for pegging. It is thin enough for beginners, tapered for easy entry, and long enough to reach into tight spaces.

Best Clit Vibrator: We-Vibe Touch Best rechargeable toy I currently own. It has deep, rumbly vibrations that get me off consistently, every time, and with no further assistance needed. Plus… TEAL.

Best Internal Vibrator: Fun Factory Big Boss This toy marks the first time I, and other reviewers, enjoyed internal vibrations. If you can get past the fact that it eats lube like ninja turtles eat pizza, it is an amazing toy.

Best Lube: Sliquid Organics Ya’ll, this stuff is so good that there’s a bottle in my travel bag, one in my night stand, and another at my partner’s house. ONCE YOU GO SLIQUID, YOU NEVER GO BACK.

Best Large Toy: Tantus Luke O2 When this one arrived it was the biggest dildo I’d ever owned, and I was a little scared. Never having been a “size queen,” I wasn’t sure how I’d like it. I also wasn’t sure about how straight the shaft is, no g-spot curve, wat? This toy brought me to the dark side, or girth-side, as the case may be. I now sometimes get cravings for something massive occupying my vagina, and this toy satisfies. Oh, and my g-spot, it’s just fine thankyouverymuch.

Best G-Spot Toy: Tantus Adam O2 Speaking of my g-spot, this was one of my very first dual-density toys, and I love it. The head is squishy and comfortable, the curve gets it to my g-spot every time. It’s an excellent choice for a harness as well. Love.

Best Kink Toy: Babeland Rubber Paddle Best ouch for your buck. This thing is beastly, really. But I love having it in the toy bag, it’s unique and offers sensations unlike any other toy I’ve tried! It also makes people whine, you’ve been warned!

Best Butt Toy: Tantus Neo The only toy on this list that I haven’t reviewed yet, it’s just that good that I couldn’t wait! This plug is amazing. I was fortunate enough to be able to test the prototype, and it was love at first… feel? I also let my partner try it, and he said that it was the best plug he’d ever tried. The tapered tip makes entry a dream, the base is fantastic, the silicone is soft and silky. You’re going to adore this plug, and I can’t wait to write a full review gushing about it’s awesomeness.

Best Toy That Just Works: Obsession Bullet Vibe I owned many bullets over the years, from many different manufacturers. Back when I first ventured into sex toys, these were my best friend, but I just assumed they all broke after a month. Not this one, nope. It is still going strong, and I still love it. A great, basic toy that I think everyone should have.

The Bad…

Tri-O Cock Ring: This thing is really just a CBT device in disguise. No, really.

Moist Lubricant: Some lubes are meant to make you tingle, this shit just burns. Also, it smells like silly putty.

Galaxy G: It didn’t seem awful at first, but with repeated use I found that it does nothing but hurt. It hurt me, it hurt my partner. It pokes and puts pressure in all the wrong places, and I feel like I’m going to break my pubic bone while trying to find my g-spot.

Solar Bullet Vibe: The toy that caused me to exclaim “WORST VIBRATOR OF MY LIFE,” though it has been unseated by some of the toys below. There’s the horrible, but eco-friendly packaging, that hits on all sorts of super popular buzzwords and has some seal that Cal-Ex pulled out of their asses. There’s a handy light built in the tip which, in addition to making it near impossible to clean, makes it feel like someone is spelunking in your vagina.

Digital Delight: I wanted to like them, I did. But giant silicone hulk fingers that hurt? No thanks.

Tantus Throb: I’ve never met a toy with more drag, or one that collects more vag juice. Yuck.

Bswish Bgee Deluxe: Deluxe, my ass. “Unless you like vibrational intensity equivalent to a summer breeze across your nether regions, walk away and never look back.” Need I say more?

The Ugly…

Lelo Oden: A nearly $200 toy, when it came out, that didn’t work. Crappy gold plastic, a battery door that’s a pain in the ass and requires a key. A remote with vibrations stronger than the actual toy, but one that won’t work through labia or with person-to-person contact, at least one of which is required for use of each Sensemotion toy. This is the top toy I wanted to throw against a damn wall, or as Epiphora would say “When I Use This Toy, My Desire to Throw It Across the Room Rises Exponentially With Each Passing Minute.” To their credit, Lelo has since re-release the line with improved remotes and vibrations. However, the chintzy plastic accents and brooch remain.

Jack’s Blowjob Lessons: I co-reviewed this atrocity with Sugarcunt, Bedroom Blogger and Insane Hussein. Choice quotations from the man-of-a-thousand-blowjobs include: “he is giving me incredible pleasure from letting me suck his hard, tasteful cock” and “he is letting you suck his dick – which is amazing, because there is nothing in the world you love more than licking, sucking and stoking your mans dick.” But the real kicker is: “Blow jobs are in some way a method to convey make dominance over the female. It is natural for a man to be dominant in sex, and by giving him a blow job you are showing ultimate submissiveness – and thereby giving him the ultimate pleasure. Remember girls – this is NATURAL, that’s the way it should be by nature. So forget about feminism when giving head.” There’s also a little gem about how if you reach around to a guy’s ass, he’ll punch you. Rightfully so, since it’s just an automatic reflex. So, yeah, we’ve got a real winner on our hands.

Picobong Mahana: Not only could this toy double as a torture device, but it’s impossible to clean and the controls are inside you. Oh, and if you can get past the pain, you still won’t be able to feel the vibrations. This review includes a roundup of complaints from around the internet that prove this toy may be one of the worst ever invented. To

The Weird…

Best Alternate Purpose: Tenga 3D Spiral A toy for bio-males that is the best thing that ever happened, to me. It was like Viagra, in toy form.

Best Lube Wrestling Toy: Tantus Super Soft Adam It’s like Stretch Armstong‘s dick, and it’s fun to hit people with.

Best Worst Parody Porn: Saw: A XXX Parody You’ll never look at chocolate pudding the same way again. I didn’t actually review this, though maybe I should someday. I have, however, shown it at a Halloween party (while we carved pumpkins) and turned the infamous “Your Hot Mouth” song into a ringtone. Epiphora wrote a bit about our shared adventure watching it with Sugarcunt here.

So that’s it, the best and worst of the last year, and my reviewing career thus far. I already own a few toys that will possibly surpass everything listed here, so I can’t wait to do next year’s list. I hope that you all have a wonderful holiday season and a beautiful New Year. Here’s a toast, to more dildos, dominance and debauchery in 2013!

3

Review: We-Vibe Touch

A while back I posted on Twitter asking for suggestions on a rechargeable clitoral vibrator. I’d been hunting for one for decades (yes, I’m being dramatic… but life is just a little more sad without a good clit vibe), one that could really get me off. I’ve got bullets that can do it, and some clit vibes that almost do it, but I couldn’t find one that I could rely on to get me off consistently and on it’s own. Then Epiphora mentioned her current front runner was the We-Vibe Touch, and I knew… I must have one.

Fast forward a while and one made itself available to me, I actually met another reviewer in a CVS parking lot to pick it up. While this method felt a bit like a drug deal, you can buy one through Babeland, so fear not! First fabulous thing about it, mine is Teal. Let that sink in for just a moment… TEAL *cue heavenly music* It also comes in a very nice Purple, and Magenta.

The Touch is covered in very shiny silicone (care info) that wants nothing more than to make every possible piece of lint and hair a part of it’s being. The good news is that it is waterproof, which makes cleaning off all this lint before use easier. You could also store it in a lint-free bag. Yes, it comes with one, but We-Vibe, trust me on this, you don’t want me discussing that storage bag. Moving along, it is rechargeable via magnetic obnoxiousness. There are two metal dots on the end and you need to line up the charger on them and then make sure they stay in contact. It works, it allows the toy to remain waterproof, but it is a bit finicky sometimes. For magnetic charging I prefer the (also sometimes finicky) Fun Factory Click-n-Charge system, and for waterproof charging without magnets I like the Leaf Line (review coming soon). However, I LOVE the way my We-Vibe III charges! There’s no opening at all, and no magnets to mess with. In the future, I would urge We-Vibe to consider this charging method for their other toys.

Once you get it charging you can allegedly expect 2 hours of play (on a lower setting) off one 90 minute charge. While I’m not entirely sure this is true, I usually use vibrators for long periods of time, at high levels, and haven’t run this one out off a single charge (yes, I regularly run vibrators down from full to nothing… so that makes this one awesome!). There is a very tiny charge light that will indicate when it is finished, but you’ll have to pay attention because it isn’t very noticeable. The Touch is only 4″ long and under 2″ at it’s widest point, so it’s fairly small, which makes it perfect for use during intercourse or with an insertable toy.

There is only one button. One. Now, I don’t mind this on many toys, it really depends on how they function. But there are 8 settings, 4 patterns and 4 steady levels. The steady levels are nice, and I can actually get off using something below the highest speed. I’ve never really been a pattern girl, but they’re there for people who are into that sort of thing. You can choose between a HHHlll, a wave, a pulse, or HHlllHHlll aka Cha-Cha. There is, unfortunately, no lock function. So if you want to travel with the Touch I would suggest wrapping it in a cloth or underwear and putting it in something firm, like a box or shoe. I have successfully flown with it stored that way.

Pretty mediocre sounding so far, I know. There are enough negatives to balance the positives, until you get to the actual vibrations and shape of the toy. The vibrations, oh my. Let me tell you, they make every flaw that I’ve gone over so far just melt away. They are deep, and rumbly, and accessible. You can feel the vibrations right at the surface of the toy, and at the front, where you want them. I have not yet found a clitoral vibrator that can match the feel this one has, it is utterly delicious. The shape may look funny, like a damn potato, according to Epiphora, but it’s pretty fantastic. There is an interesting scoop on the bottom side, that I would imagine many people may enjoy. But most importantly, the tip is pointy. Not “ouch, you poked me, motherfucker” pointy, but just round enough to be comfy and pointed enough to give very direct stimulation. I am a huge fan of pressure just below my clit, and slightly indirect vibration on my clit. This vibrator achieves that flawlessly.

So forget all my complaints, about the shitty storage bag, sticky silicone and finicky charging (Unless you’re We-Vibe, then please listen!). None of that matter once you actually get to use this toy, it is the closest thing to perfect I have found so far. You need one, sincerely, and while it isn’t cheap, it is very affordable for a luxury rechargeable toy. More importantly, it is actually worth it. If you, too, have been looking for the clit vibe to top all clit vibes, then I think this might just be the one you’re looking for. Now I can’t wait to try the We-Vibe Salsa!

The We-Vibe Touch can be found through Goodvibes.com!

21

Review: Fun Factory Big Boss

Fun Factory Big Boss G4. Even the name sounds kind of badass. The Big Boss is one in the G4 line of vibrators with Fun Factory Click-n-Charge technology and is sold by Good Vibes. It is big, and it get the job done… Like a Boss.

At over 9″ long and 1 3/4″ in diameter, the Big Boss is a filler-upper. In fact, the first time I tried using it, the toy got stuck! I shit you not, somehow it was vacuum suctioned into my vagina and it was not coming out. Just as I was about to frantically tweet for help, I manage to extract it. Big Boss is made from Fun Factory’s matte silicone (care info), which is not my favorite. It attracts lint like crazy, never seems to feel clean when you’re washing it, and it eats lube like that’s it’s mother-fucking job. Can we say drag? I actually got so frustrated with it one evening that I put a condom over it and slathered it in silicone lube, tweeting something to the effect of “I win”. Honestly, this is probably the only thing I don’t like about this toy, and it isn’t reason enough to deter you, there are ways around draggy silicone. However, I would LOVE it if Fun Factory would make their silicone a little smoother and a little less lube-guzzling.

Big Boss is re-chargeable, and because it uses magnetic charging (seriously, why can my vibrator do this but I still have to plug in my phone?) it is fully waterproof! I have successfully used it in the shower and left it running in a sink full of water, not a single issue. Brilliant. Also brilliant, the buttons glow when you touch them, it’s like magic and I love it. No, I don’t mean when you press them, when you pick up the toy and touch the handle, the buttons get all glowy and pulsate. Perfect for using it in the dark without fumbling. There are three buttons, + – *, the last one being the “booster” button that activates the patterns. The packaging is pretty neat, there are windows on the front and back that are covered by flaps and secured with magnets. The back features a picture of the Calla in space, which I can’t quite figure out. You’ll also receive the charger in a separate box. It comes with a sample of Toy Fluid and an instructional booklet that has approximately 500 billion languages and contains the phrase “Do not throw power unit or toy in the fire”, it also warns against poking the toy with pointy objects. Noted.

All that aside, how does it work? Fucking fantastically. The vibrations are intense and quiet, I was shocked at how much power it provides. The “loop of love” handle does make it easier to control during use, especially since you’re bound to need lube. I’ve never been a fan of internal vibrations, but this is honestly the toy that has changed my mind. Thrusting with it doesn’t do much for me, while it is filling, it doesn’t really hit my g-spot all that well (plus the drag can make thrusting difficult).  But what I adore is just letting the Big Boss occupy my vagina. I love turning up the vibrations and angling the handle forward (toward my belly button), maybe rocking it back and forth a bit. This. Oh, when I use it like that, there is no other vibrator that gives me the sensation this one does. I feel like I’m using three toys at once! I can feel both fullness and vibrations vaginally, but it also stimulates my clit! Seriously. Plus, when I angle it the right way it even feels like I have a vibrating plug in my butt. The orgasms I have from using the toy like this are amazing, they feel all encompassing even though I don’t have g-spot orgasms with it. I sometimes even squirt a little, more like a dribble than a fire hose, but the vibrations run deep enough to make that happen. It feels wonderful.

I honestly thought it was a fluke the first time. How could one vibrator, with such a plain shape, make me feel like I was using three toys at once? But I’ve replicated it again and again. Not only that, but others have reported similar experiences. I cannot wait to use the Big Boss vaginally while having the pet penetrate me anally, he gets giggly when there are vibrations involved.

This is a great toy. It offers girth, and rumbly vibrations through the entire shaft. The buttons are easy to use and it has some nice touches, like the lighting and loop handle. Would I recommend the Big Boss? Absolutely.

If you would like to get your own Big Boss then head on over to Good Vibes!

8

Review: Fun Factory Microvibe Fly

The Fun Factory Microvibe Fly is a cute little vibrator that come in bright, happy colors (no surprise, with FF). It is essentially a silicone sleeve (care info) over a bullet. The bullet runs on watch batteries, 3 LR44 coin-cell to be specific. It is waterproof, and multispeed. The whole toy is only 3.5″ long and 1″ wide, so it’s on the smaller end and could be decent for travel.

The silicone sleeve is solid on the end opposite the bullet, but has a decent amount of give. It has a matte finish, but it doesn’t drag terribly, less than the Big Boss and about the same as Bootie. Plus, it’s more of a clit vibe, and isn’t really large enough to thrust with, so it’s not going to matter all that much anyway. If you want to use lube, be sure it is water-based so that your silicone stays intact. It comes with a sample of Toy Fluid.

To operate the bullet, you just push the button on the bottom, it’s simple enough and isn’t too difficult to press. It cycles through, the 3 speeds and then turns off again. There is no quick off. Overall this is a pretty quiet vibrator, a blanket will likely dampen out most sound, and a door definitely will. However, that silence is in trade of power. The vibrations don’t translate well through the thick silicone and it makes my clit just want to know what is going on, and why can’t I feel anything. Inserting it, oddly enough, is slightly more enjoyable. Though I’d still say it’s a tease, even at the highest setting. The bullet itself isn’t too terrible, though it really doesn’t last that long on those batteries, and still seems slightly less powerful than the Tantus bullets. In fact the Tantus Little Secret Kiss is a similar design (sleeve over bullet) but it translates vibration better and has that tip that I like. The blunt end of the Fly doesn’t really do anything special. It does have a small, cute flower design on it, but I didn’t really notice the texture in use. You will notice that they need a little extra attention when cleaning, however.

Realistically, only the most sensitive of people will get enjoyment out of this toy. Instead, I would recommend the Tantus Little Secret Line, or for a little bit more you could invest in the LELO Mia which is rechargeable and more powerful.

You can find the Fun Factory Microvibe Fly at JT’s Stockroom, like I did. Or at Shevibe.

19

Review: Picobong Mahana

I wasn’t going to review anything from the new Picobong line by LELO. I promised myself I wouldn’t, I knew better. I had watched the line get released, and watched as the subsequent reviews came pouring in. It didn’t look good, in fact, it looked bad. Cute though they were, it appeared that at the very best they were under powered, and at the worst… well…

“…do I actually have this on my crotch?  Yes.  Yes, it’s definitely touching me.  And I’m definitely holding it in the general region of my clit, but… is it on?  Of course it’s on, I can hear it.  I.. I think it’s touching my clit.  WHY CAN’T I FEEL ANYTHING?” – Sugarcunt

Yeah, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. So I watched several Picobong items come up for review, and leave again. I knew better than to request one, and was smug in my knowledge. Then one day, I went insane. At least, that’s the only reason I can come up with to explain why I did this. I requested the Mahana from Babeland.

In my defense (and let’s be honest, there’s not much I can say to justify this move), they come in REALLY awesome colors (always a good reason to purchase a toy *eyeroll*) and I’ve yet to try a c-style vibrator. As in, one that is simultaneously inserted and resting on the clit… as in, the We-Vibe shape, we’ll address this more in a bit.

Some specs, since I’ll try to make this a review and not just a bitch session. The Mahana Duo Vibe is one of six toys from the Picobong line, it comes in three colors (pink, turquoise, and black) just like the rest of the line. It has dual motors, one intended for insertion and the other to rest against your clit. The main portion of the toy is covered in very silky feeling silicone and the connector is made of ABS plastic (care info). It runs on two AAA batteries, one  for each side, and has a grand total of 12 vibrational patterns and multiple speeds. It is waterproof, near silent, “easy to use” and comes with a one year warranty. Let’s break this down, shall we?

• Colors: As I’ve mentioned, they’re probably the highlight of this line. That statement alone should tell you all you need to know.
• Dual motors: This is true, not that they’ll do you much good.
• “Wearable”: Sure, if you like a vice grip on all your sensitive bits. Seriously, it hurts.
• Silicone and Plastic: Fantastic, yes. Body safe and the silicone is very nice feeling. But… the plastic bit is meant to be flexible and if you go to bend it enough to fit your body, it feels like it is going to break. Hence the aforementioned vice grip effect.
• AAA batteries: I have yet to find a toy that runs on a AAA that is sufficient, if you find one, let me know.
• 12 Vibrational Patterns: Good luck finding them. If you do, you’ll need even more luck to feel them
• Waterproof: I don’t trust this, and I’m not the only one. It gets fluids in the seams in use. YUM. Be sure and clean extra well.
• Near Silent: Not a difficult feat when you can hardly tell the toy is running.
• Easy to Use: Not when people are using Youtube to find out how to turn it on.
• Warranty: Fantastic! Except that warranties don’t cover the fact that you wasted your money on a bullshit toy.

The idea of making the power buttons part of the logo is cute, but many people have complained it is hard to find. Plus, the imprint of the logo is unbelievably difficult to clean unless you use nails or a toothbrush. And can we discuss for a minute the fact that the controls are on a part of the toy meant to be INSERTED into you body?!? How exactly am I supposed to enjoy all those patterns and power levels? But don’t worry, that isn’t the worst part. You won’t even be thinking about the patterns when your too busy wincing in pain and trying to figure out WHERE on EARTH the vibrations are in the first place.

Remember when I mentioned we get back to discussing the shape? Well I have a major bone to pick over this one. Anyone who has been watching the sex toy industry in the last few years has probably seen the We-Vibe. You might also notice the similar shape and concept in the Mahana and the LELO Tiani (which is as bad as the Oden). So, what gives, LELO? All that time you spent designing innovative and original toys, and now you’re going to rip off someone else’s design? Not only that, but you did a piss poor job of it. If you’re going to steal designs and not even improve on them then you’re no better than Doc Johnson or Pipedream. The rumor was that We-Vibe was defending their rights to the design and taking on LELO for infringing on their intellectual property. I don’t currently have  much information on the potential suit, or if it is going forward. If I do get any information I’ll update. But if anyone at LELO happens to read this, please know that I believe in you, and so do others. Just quit making crap toys, don’t steal other people’s designs. Stop trying to be hip and cute. Go back to what you did originally, make beautiful, pleasurable toys. You’re good at that, maybe we can just forget Picobong and Sensemotion ever happened, ok?

But for now, I’d like to present you with a fairly comprehensive roundup, showing you why you shouldn’t waste you money on ANY of the Picobong toys. Forget what the sugarcoaters told you, among these are reviewers I trust, and how on earth could so many people be wrong?

• Red Sneaker Diaries: “Whatever you do, do not buy the Picobong Mahana. In short, it hurts like a motherfucker.”
• Sugarcunt has a fabulous rant on the Kiki, including the “are you fucking kidding me” speed.
•  Sammi: “I’m not sure why this toy is so weak, but its get up and go has got up and went, leaving Kiki with no kick and no stimulation power. It’s unfortunate, as the shape of the head would be ideal for clit stimulation, but for all the power this vibe has I might as well use a dildo on my clit.”
• Bzzingbee came up with ideas to re-purpose her Honi, which “Every time I tested it, it wasn’t long before I got frustrated and tossed it aside to use a stronger vibe.”
• Lilly put the entire Picobong line on her Worst of 2011 list, “Typical buzzy & weak vibrations mock you behind the cutesy exterior, and every insertable model makes you want to scream because the buttons to control it are now inside you”
• Lilly also ripped Honi a new one, you should read it.
• On Flying Solo, Navigator thoroughly dissects the issues of both the Koa and Kiki
• A Woman and Her Wand, on the engraved name on Ipo: “If it takes longer to clean a toy, than it does to use it, I am probably not going to use it again.”
• Then there’s Epiphora, who accurately sums up my feeling on several issues, including recommending crap vibes to beginners, in her review of Kiki

Speaking of recommending bad toys to beginners, I also read a review that said Kiki would be great for someone young, because they need lighter vibrations. But older people need stronger vibrations and may not like the toy. WHAT??? Are you serious? Vibrational preferences vary from person to person, and as you get older your needs may change, but you cannot make a blanket statement like this. So just stop.

Despite the length of this post, I haven’t even covered some of the most obnoxious things. Like the stupid dice that no one can figure out what to do with. Or worse yet… the coining of the term C-Spot to mean Clitoris (!) but others have adequately expressed their anger over that ridiculousness, and for now, I’m content to leave it at that. From butt plugs that need sand-papering before use, to vibrators you can’t feel, this whole line is made of fail. What you should do is look into some of these alternatives, because there are too many good toys out there for you to be wasting your time with Picobong.

Instead of Mahana, try the We-Vibe (older versions can sometimes be found at cheaper prices)

Instead of Honi or Ipo, try the Obsession Bullet Vibe

Instead of Kiki, try the much nicer LELO Mia

Trade Tano for one of several fantastic vibrating plugs from Tantus, like B-bomb

and if you’re hell bent on a vibrating cock ring, I don’t have one to recommend. Oden and others failed me. But I would suggest maybe a nice cock ring and bullet vibe combo. Tantus does make some quality silicone vibrating rings, but I haven’t tried them personally.

Babeland sent me the Mahana, and they have subsequently stopped carrying it. It appears at least one store stopped selling the Mahana due to the potential lawsuits and patent issues, I do not know if that is why Babeland dropped it. What I do know is that they are better off without it.

16

Review: Blueberry Buzz Turbo Glider

I tried to get my fish to pose, they weren't having it.

When I first started purchasing sex toys I always went to a local shop, The Todd. They happen to have the best selection of any store in our area, and any store I’ve ever visited. While they do carry brands like Lelo, Tantus, and Fun Factory, they mostly carry “the big three” including California Exotics. Well, pretty much everything I ever bought (in my early days) was cheap and broke quickly, as mentioned in my Obsession Vibe post. This history, coupled with my disdain for the business practices of some larger toy manufacturers, had caused me to swear off CalEx for the most part. So why would I knowingly request that Babeland send me anything they make? Simple answer… because it is the Turbo Glider, and Epiphora loves hers. Unlike my first vibrators, she chose this one, and it’s still going strong for her. So much so, in fact, that she wrote hers a love letter.

Now, knowing how much she loves her, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to try it out for myself. First things first, we’ll get the boring bits out of the way. The Blueberry Buzz is one of the Turbo Glider line made by California Exotics and sold by Babeland. It arrives in a plastic clamshell type package with a cheesy looking chick on the insert, typical of CalEx. It is made of ABS plastic (care info) and runs on two AA batteries (yay!), it is 6.25″ long and about 1″ in diameter at the largest. The best parts are that it is waterproof and body safe!

Actually, the best part might be that the Blueberry Buzz is, in fact, BLUE. Oh, blue, such an underutilized color for sex toys. It is a gorgeous shade, and the plastic is translucent, so you can see the little motor running. Speaking if, the motor is in the top, not buried in the middle somewhere. This helps you direct the power right where you want it. I do feel the need to state that the vibrations are not all the way in the tip, like I expected. The motor is in the larger “bloop” just below the top one. So if you are a stickler for SUPER pinpoint vibrations, this may not be your ideal. However, I like pinpoint (and so does Epiphora) and this gives plenty of direct vibration to the end.

The speed and on/off functions are controlled by a dial at the bottom of the toy. It is easy to turn and allows you to go through all the available speeds seamlessly. The lowest speed is still higher than some toys (*coughs* Picobong *coughcough*) and the highest speed is… well, awesome. It is more powerful than almost all of my higher end toys, and though it is buzzy, it is not overly surfacey. The only major drawback is noise, it certainly isn’t quiet. However, if it’s under the covers and behind a closed door, maybe with some back ground noise, you really can’t hear it. But be warned, it isn’t the best for shared dorm room wank sessions. I feel comfortable using it with my tv on and bedroom door closed, and it doesn’t really get all that loud until you turn it up on high.

I find that I prefer to use this one clitorally. While I can get some g-spot stimulation, it takes too much effort and isn’t enough to make me orgasm. Used on my clit, however, it works beautifully. I love being able to nestle the curves against my clit, and I have plenty of “handle” for leverage. The hard plastic makes it possible for me to apply plenty of beloved pressure. All of this, at a reasonable price.

Overall, the Blueberry Buzz Turbo Glider is a good, solid toy. It works consistently well for me, and obviously has for others. I feel like this would be an excellent vibrator for a newbie, thanks to the price point and ease of operation. Am I going to be writing a love letter to mine? Probably not, but it is a solid choice.

20

Review: Obsession Bullet Vibe

Back when I first started buying sex toys, one of the first things I gravitated toward was bullet vibrators. They were affordable and I could stick them in my pants and use them in public. They were, and still are, a decent alternative to the over-priced, under-functioning world of remote vibrators (upcoming review on one such item). The problem I had with every bullet I ever owned was that it would die on me before too long, in retrospect, every vibrator I bought in general did this. There is a value in buying nicer toys, people, they really do last longer!

So, now here we are, I have an ever growing and ever more awesome toy collection, but not a single bullet vibe to be found. I really do believe that a good bullet is a staple toy, so when I was offered the Obsession Bullet Vibe for review, I decided to give it a go.

The Obsession is a fairly standard bullet style vibrator, it runs on 2 AA batteries, which are held in the controller under a cap that is pretty easy to open and close (it even has a finger grip to help!). Mine is a lovely purple shade and has a very soft, velvety feel to the plastic. The packaging is pretty meh, plastic ovalesque shape, with a sample of the plastic for you to feel. The cord is 30 inches, long enough to easily snake into you pants, and the bullet itself is about 1 x 2 inches, which means I’d be happy to recommend it to a beginner.

There are two buttons, one that turns the toy on and off, the other changes the speed and pattern. Two great points about this toy: One, it can be turned off instantly. Two, it remembers your last setting so you don’t have to cycle through them when you turn it back on. Yay! In total it has 7 settings, for a bullet, that’s pretty good. The first three are static speeds, the next four are patterns. There’s nothing supper fancy or unique about any of them, but it offers variation.

The first speed doesn’t do much for me, but I’ve yet to find a toy other than the Wahl for which this isn’t the case. However, the second speed is reasonable for warming me up and the third can bring me to orgasm. The vibrations are fairly rumbly, though, keep in mind the size of the toy you’re dealing with, so it isn’t going to be earth shattering. It feels good, and the vibrations are solid. None of that super-surfacey can’t really feel anything crap. I’m a happy camper.

It is worth noting that I traditionally have only ever used bullets on my clit. I either hold them to give myself the added pressure I so love, or I “wear” them under clothing. Yes, I’m that girl with the vibrator in her pants while walking around Target (add this to my new Luna Love Beads and I’m really in heaven). I’ve never liked using them internally, because I’m not a huge fan of internal vibrations. In the interest of being thorough I decided to give this one a shot, and whoa. To be fair, I put the Obsession on the highest speed and stuck the Wahl on my clit, so how could this fail? But seriously. Awesome. There was clenching and gasping and squirting, and in the end, there was a happy me.

The Obsession is fully waterproof, which makes it safe for the bathtub, though it didn’t do me much good in there, and easier to clean. This isn’t going to be the best toy to share with a non-fluid-bound partner. There are little cracks that you have to be thorough about, like the seam on the bullet and the spot where the cord attaches. It is ABS Plastic (care info) and can be cleaned with bleach, but I’d still keep it as a one person toy. Besides, who says I have to share everything?

Final verdict, the Obsession is the best bullet vibe I’ve ever owned, and I’ve killed a lot of them. I even waited a bit longer with it to make sure it continued functioning, before posting my review. It is well made, reasonably priced, and works. What more could you ask for? Plus, I can’t wait to use it during sex, I’m pretty sure putting it on my clit while in missionary will be awesome. (Update: I’ve done it, and it is)

13

Review: I Rub My Duckie

I’ve been eyeing the I Rub My Duckie for a little while now. Sure, it’s cute. But does it really work? Is it practical?

Well, I finally gave in and requested one from Babeland, and they were awesome enough to send one to me. To answer the questions: No, it isn’t practical. Yes, it works enough to make up for it’s impracticality.

The I Rub My Duckie is a vibrator made by Big Teaze Toys. It is listed as 5″ by 3″ on Babeland’s site, though it is obviously varied. One of my favorite things it that not only is it made from phthalate-free PVC, but the package even lists that it is free of lead and heavy metals (this study shows there can be problems in that department). It comes in a plastic oval display that would probably be silly for storage, but it aesthetically pleasing and entirely unoffensive. The Duckie runs on 2 AA batteries, is easy to clean (care info) and totally waterproof (as one would hope). It is also incredibly adorable which makes it difficult for me to not anthropomorphize it. But what good does it do to have a cute vibrator that doesn’t work, none at all. Which is why I’m happy to report that this is not one of those cases.

To operate the Duckie you simply push down on it’s back. Once for on, again for the second and third speeds or to turn it off. You do have to cycle through all three to turn it off, and there are no patterns. The effort went into cute, not high tech. The first speed is nothing to write home about, unless you’re really sensitive or into light teasing. But the second speed is respectable and the third is enough to reasonably get me off. Everyone I’ve shown this toy to (more people than I’d care to admit at this point) was surprised to see how powerful it actually is. In fact, this weekend the pet and I were hosting a holiday party/surprise birthday party and I brought the Duckie out. Several of us ended up mostly or entirely nude and in the pool, and our friend here went with us. It was night time, and cold (for swimming, though the fact that we can get in the pool at all this time of year means I can’t complain). When we gave up Duckie migrated with us to the shower, we girls wanted to warm up and took the duck with us. The next morning when the pet was showering I could hear him singing a perverted version of “Rubber Ducky” that involved the word penis, so that was interesting.

Back to the intended application. One might think that this toy would be awkward to use, and I expected that as well. In reality, it is and it isn’t. I was surprised at how easy it was to nestle the tail between my labia and against my clit. This is my preferred method of use, since the vibrations transfer very well into the tail and I can press down with it to my heart’s content. The other main way of achieving clit stimulation (this isn’t really an insertable, though someone this weekend thought it was) is to use the beak. The vibrations in the head are weaker, but if you get the beak right on your clit it will actually cup it and makes for an interesting experience. It isn’t enough to get me off that way, but it’s a fun warm up on my way to the tail.

Overall, this is a fun toy. You could leave it sitting somewhere and no one would know what it was unless they picked it up. It does work for me, and is exceedingly cute. I’m not going to call it a “must have” because it isn’t something I’ll use regularly. But it would make a fun gift, and would be ok for a newbie since it is non-threatening in appearance. For me, it’s enjoyable and will definitely see more use when the weather is warmer and I take it back in the pool more. For others it might be a fun bath companion. Either way, I kind of can’t help but smile when I see it’s adorable eyes, even more when I think about that tail.

Side note: I am not a fan of cutesy phrases or terrible puns in reviews (with a few exceptions). But I would like to share with you the phrases that were suggested to me, that I spared you having to experience as part of my review. “The ultimate party fowl” and “ruffled my feathers”. You’re welcome.

15

Review: Strawberry Kiss Vibe

The Strawberry Kiss (aka The Little Secret: Kiss) comes from a line of five mini vibes made by awesome manufacturer Tantus. Each of the vibrators includes a silicone sleeve (care info) over a waterproof, single-speed bullet vibe. The vibrator is powered by an N battery, which is included, and is removable for easy cleaning or replacement. The Kiss is a cute, slightly pearlescent pink (a little darker than the photo shows). I’m not typically a fan of pink, but this one is pretty nice. It is just over an inch at it’s widest point, and is 3.75″ long. It is a little bigger than I thought it would be, but it is really a great size for a travel vibe.

You can wash the bullet in the sink, as it has an o-ring, but I don’t know that I’d trust it in the bath tub. I haven’t noticed any waning of power in all my testing of the toy, so I’m impressed with the battery so far. The silicone is shiny and does pick up lint, not as bad as the super soft silicone, but keeping it in a lint free bag would be helpful. The Kiss comes in a really pretty package that is a pain in the ass to open. I had to rip one of the tabs trying to open it, so you probably won’t want to store it in the box.

To operate the bullet there is a single button on the bottom, push for on, and again for off. I didn’t find it to be difficult to operate in any way. The sleeve is mostly hollow, to house the bullet, but the tip is solid silicone and has a little twist that reminds me if soft serve ice cream. Usually I would shy away from mini vibes because they are not strong enough for me, and silicone transfers vibrations though they are often muffled. But that tip… GUYS… it’s fantastic.

Now, it isn’t all rainbows and sunshine, but we’ll get to that in a second. First… what can this tip do for you? Well, it is thick enough to hold a serious vibration, but small enough to move. Basically, it transfers the vibrations like a dream. In order to receive the benefits of the tip you can’t press hard, so it is more for teasing and tickling, only it is strong. The bullet in this one is more powerful than Tantus’ typical offering, so it can really make this thing move. It is great for nipples (almost too strong for mine) and buttholes (such a sexy term), but teasing only on the anus please. The Kiss is small, and not flared, and your butt will suck it right in. No anal insertion. However, teasing of the general area is highly recommended. I can’t wait to get the pet tied up and use it on his balls and perineum.

As far as vaginal use. This is where things get sketchy. Good for stimulating my vulva, yes. Good for insertion, not really, no. It is too small all around and doesn’t do anything for me. But I don’t really think that was the intended purpose anyway. So what about my clit? Well, it depends. For me, I had to hold my labia all the way open so that nothing disrupted the vibrations going to the tip. Then I could place it directly on my clit and get some nice stimulation. However, I’m a big fan of pressure just below my clit, which is impossible with this toy. When you press down with it the vibrations become diffuse, which doesn’t work for me. But the vibrations are not overly buzzy, and they aren’t too surfacey, when you aren’t applying pressure. I know that’s probably hard to understand, and I’m having a hard time explaining it. When you don’t press the tip down, but simply hold it to your clit, the vibrations will actually feel fairly deep. This isn’t because the bullet is all that powerful (though, sans sleeve it can get me off without much trouble) but because of the way the vibrations transfer.

All that said. I think Kiss will work best for people who like lighter touch with vibrational strength, or muffled vibrations. I’m a huge Tantus fan, but I was hesitant to try this one at first, I’m honestly glad I did. I don’t think I’ve seen a better tickling vibe, and while it may not be good for insertion, it packs decent power for it’s size. This won’t be my go-to clit vibe, but it will be my top teasing vibe, especially for the pet.

If you are interested in picking up The Kiss, or any of it’s siblings (1,2,3,4), they are all available through Good Vibes. Thanks to GV for sending me the Strawberry Kiss for review!