11

Review: Bswish Bgee Deluxe

This is really more of a PSA than a review. I want to warn anyone who looks even twice at the Bswish Bgee Deluxe to run. Run away, as fast as you can. It doesn’t matter that it is made of body safe silicone, or that it’s waterproof. Forget the unique shape… ignore the fact that it comes in gorgeous (and under-utilized) colors like TEAL.

What you need to know is this: This toy sucks. The vibrations rival that of the Picobong Mahana, in fact, I think the Picobong may be a bit stronger! On top of that, the vibrations aren’t centralized in any perceptible area of the toy… Oh, and the battery compartment may make you want to kill yourself. Or the toy, probably the toy.

So, dear friend, if you’ve stumbled across my humble blog because you were scouting Google for information on this toy, fantastic, you’re who I’m writing this for. Unless you like vibrational intensity equivalent to a summer breeze across your nether regions, walk away and never look back. Perhaps look into Lelo’s Mia, Siri or Nea. Or, invest in a decent bullet vibe. I’ve even heard better things about some of the other Bswish products, like the Bcurious, though I haven’t tried it myself (strike that, it’s also disappointing).

Whatever you, don’t buy this toy, it will be a complete waste of your time and money, no matter how awesome the color.

19

Review: Picobong Mahana

I wasn’t going to review anything from the new Picobong line by LELO. I promised myself I wouldn’t, I knew better. I had watched the line get released, and watched as the subsequent reviews came pouring in. It didn’t look good, in fact, it looked bad. Cute though they were, it appeared that at the very best they were under powered, and at the worst… well…

“…do I actually have this on my crotch?  Yes.  Yes, it’s definitely touching me.  And I’m definitely holding it in the general region of my clit, but… is it on?  Of course it’s on, I can hear it.  I.. I think it’s touching my clit.  WHY CAN’T I FEEL ANYTHING?” – Sugarcunt

Yeah, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. So I watched several Picobong items come up for review, and leave again. I knew better than to request one, and was smug in my knowledge. Then one day, I went insane. At least, that’s the only reason I can come up with to explain why I did this. I requested the Mahana from Babeland.

In my defense (and let’s be honest, there’s not much I can say to justify this move), they come in REALLY awesome colors (always a good reason to purchase a toy *eyeroll*) and I’ve yet to try a c-style vibrator. As in, one that is simultaneously inserted and resting on the clit… as in, the We-Vibe shape, we’ll address this more in a bit.

Some specs, since I’ll try to make this a review and not just a bitch session. The Mahana Duo Vibe is one of six toys from the Picobong line, it comes in three colors (pink, turquoise, and black) just like the rest of the line. It has dual motors, one intended for insertion and the other to rest against your clit. The main portion of the toy is covered in very silky feeling silicone and the connector is made of ABS plastic (care info). It runs on two AAA batteries, one  for each side, and has a grand total of 12 vibrational patterns and multiple speeds. It is waterproof, near silent, “easy to use” and comes with a one year warranty. Let’s break this down, shall we?

• Colors: As I’ve mentioned, they’re probably the highlight of this line. That statement alone should tell you all you need to know.
• Dual motors: This is true, not that they’ll do you much good.
• “Wearable”: Sure, if you like a vice grip on all your sensitive bits. Seriously, it hurts.
• Silicone and Plastic: Fantastic, yes. Body safe and the silicone is very nice feeling. But… the plastic bit is meant to be flexible and if you go to bend it enough to fit your body, it feels like it is going to break. Hence the aforementioned vice grip effect.
• AAA batteries: I have yet to find a toy that runs on a AAA that is sufficient, if you find one, let me know.
• 12 Vibrational Patterns: Good luck finding them. If you do, you’ll need even more luck to feel them
• Waterproof: I don’t trust this, and I’m not the only one. It gets fluids in the seams in use. YUM. Be sure and clean extra well.
• Near Silent: Not a difficult feat when you can hardly tell the toy is running.
• Easy to Use: Not when people are using Youtube to find out how to turn it on.
• Warranty: Fantastic! Except that warranties don’t cover the fact that you wasted your money on a bullshit toy.

The idea of making the power buttons part of the logo is cute, but many people have complained it is hard to find. Plus, the imprint of the logo is unbelievably difficult to clean unless you use nails or a toothbrush. And can we discuss for a minute the fact that the controls are on a part of the toy meant to be INSERTED into you body?!? How exactly am I supposed to enjoy all those patterns and power levels? But don’t worry, that isn’t the worst part. You won’t even be thinking about the patterns when your too busy wincing in pain and trying to figure out WHERE on EARTH the vibrations are in the first place.

Remember when I mentioned we get back to discussing the shape? Well I have a major bone to pick over this one. Anyone who has been watching the sex toy industry in the last few years has probably seen the We-Vibe. You might also notice the similar shape and concept in the Mahana and the LELO Tiani (which is as bad as the Oden). So, what gives, LELO? All that time you spent designing innovative and original toys, and now you’re going to rip off someone else’s design? Not only that, but you did a piss poor job of it. If you’re going to steal designs and not even improve on them then you’re no better than Doc Johnson or Pipedream. The rumor was that We-Vibe was defending their rights to the design and taking on LELO for infringing on their intellectual property. I don’t currently have  much information on the potential suit, or if it is going forward. If I do get any information I’ll update. But if anyone at LELO happens to read this, please know that I believe in you, and so do others. Just quit making crap toys, don’t steal other people’s designs. Stop trying to be hip and cute. Go back to what you did originally, make beautiful, pleasurable toys. You’re good at that, maybe we can just forget Picobong and Sensemotion ever happened, ok?

But for now, I’d like to present you with a fairly comprehensive roundup, showing you why you shouldn’t waste you money on ANY of the Picobong toys. Forget what the sugarcoaters told you, among these are reviewers I trust, and how on earth could so many people be wrong?

• Red Sneaker Diaries: “Whatever you do, do not buy the Picobong Mahana. In short, it hurts like a motherfucker.”
• Sugarcunt has a fabulous rant on the Kiki, including the “are you fucking kidding me” speed.
•  Sammi: “I’m not sure why this toy is so weak, but its get up and go has got up and went, leaving Kiki with no kick and no stimulation power. It’s unfortunate, as the shape of the head would be ideal for clit stimulation, but for all the power this vibe has I might as well use a dildo on my clit.”
• Bzzingbee came up with ideas to re-purpose her Honi, which “Every time I tested it, it wasn’t long before I got frustrated and tossed it aside to use a stronger vibe.”
• Lilly put the entire Picobong line on her Worst of 2011 list, “Typical buzzy & weak vibrations mock you behind the cutesy exterior, and every insertable model makes you want to scream because the buttons to control it are now inside you”
• Lilly also ripped Honi a new one, you should read it.
• On Flying Solo, Navigator thoroughly dissects the issues of both the Koa and Kiki
• A Woman and Her Wand, on the engraved name on Ipo: “If it takes longer to clean a toy, than it does to use it, I am probably not going to use it again.”
• Then there’s Epiphora, who accurately sums up my feeling on several issues, including recommending crap vibes to beginners, in her review of Kiki

Speaking of recommending bad toys to beginners, I also read a review that said Kiki would be great for someone young, because they need lighter vibrations. But older people need stronger vibrations and may not like the toy. WHAT??? Are you serious? Vibrational preferences vary from person to person, and as you get older your needs may change, but you cannot make a blanket statement like this. So just stop.

Despite the length of this post, I haven’t even covered some of the most obnoxious things. Like the stupid dice that no one can figure out what to do with. Or worse yet… the coining of the term C-Spot to mean Clitoris (!) but others have adequately expressed their anger over that ridiculousness, and for now, I’m content to leave it at that. From butt plugs that need sand-papering before use, to vibrators you can’t feel, this whole line is made of fail. What you should do is look into some of these alternatives, because there are too many good toys out there for you to be wasting your time with Picobong.

Instead of Mahana, try the We-Vibe (older versions can sometimes be found at cheaper prices)

Instead of Honi or Ipo, try the Obsession Bullet Vibe

Instead of Kiki, try the much nicer LELO Mia

Trade Tano for one of several fantastic vibrating plugs from Tantus, like B-bomb

and if you’re hell bent on a vibrating cock ring, I don’t have one to recommend. Oden and others failed me. But I would suggest maybe a nice cock ring and bullet vibe combo. Tantus does make some quality silicone vibrating rings, but I haven’t tried them personally.

Babeland sent me the Mahana, and they have subsequently stopped carrying it. It appears at least one store stopped selling the Mahana due to the potential lawsuits and patent issues, I do not know if that is why Babeland dropped it. What I do know is that they are better off without it.