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Review: Solar Bullet

The Solar Bullet vibe by California Exotics seems like a fantastic idea, in theory. The reality involves poor execution and unfortunate packaging.

Let’s get the basics out of the way first: This is a standard bullet style vibrator, it is 2.25 inches long and just over a half inch wide. It is “Velvet-Cote” and has an LED light in the tip. It is attached to the solar panel by a “Extra Long Power Cord” that is, in reality, 2 feet long. At the end of the cord is a standard jack, like you would find on headphones etc and it plugs in to the panel. There is an LED light located just below the jack, according to packaging “LED Indicates Charging Mode”. There is a sliding switch on the top that controls the power, and the front is a small (probably 2.5″ x2″) solar panel. 8 hours of charging will afford you 1 hour of play. It comes packed in a thin cardboard box with a single paper insert to hold the toy in place.

Now for the breakdown: The packaging is abysmal. While it doesn’t have anything at all vulgar or offensive, it is sad and dated looking, as well as a little cluttered. That said… I give them credit for having it FSC (Forest Stewardship Council) certified, so the paper comes from eco-conscious sources. There is no plastic packaging, and everything is recyclable or even compostable, if you are so inclined. They did not include an instruction/information booklet, instead, it appears they intended the back of the packaging to give you all necessary information. In theory, this is nice, since it eliminates waste. However, the information provided is lacking. It does give you the information on how long to charge it, and has a photo labeling all the parts. But things like the charging LED are not explained. Does it come on when charging? Turn off when it’s fully charged? I wouldn’t know, I haven’t seen mine turn on once, no matter what I’ve tried. The panel is removable, so you could stick it outside or on the dash of your car, and no one would know what it was for… that is nice. Better yet, mine charged just fine sitting in my room, on my bed with just the overhead light on from the fan. I feel like the “Extra Long” cord is a joke, it is long enough, but I wouldn’t say extra. The sliding switch at the top will take you through multiple speeds, though online info indicates it is two speed, I found that it will operate at true “multi-speed” as packaging states.

Now, how is it in actual use? Honestly… it’s a disaster. When I first pulled it out of the packaging, I was shocked at how cheap it felt. It is very light weight, and just doesn’t seem like it would last all that long. But when I turned it on for the first time, I was surprised at how strong the vibrations felt in my hand… It seemed my first impressions may have been wrong, they weren’t. This is the first toy I’ve actually said “is it even on?” to myself when first trying to use it. Oddly, I feel slightly more at a medium speed than I do on high. The vibrations are buzzy and I quite frankly don’t get any enjoyment out of them at all. The only time I felt anything was by rubbing it on my clit, and that was just from friction and pressure. Maybe it would work for someone who likes super buzzy, really light vibrations, I don’t know. Running it on high, from what should be a full charge (Indicator light? A little help? No? Ok then) the vibrations lasted for 40 minutes and ended abruptly rather than tapering off. I ran it with the panel hidden so that it couldn’t re-charge while it was running… perhaps if you were using it in the sun it may afford a little more time.

I tried to get off using this vibrator, really, I did… but no matter what I’ve done, NOTHING works. I have not managed to even get aroused while using it, that’s just sad. Let it also be known, that the Solar Vibe was waiting for me when I arrived home after being out of town for several days and not having been able to masturbate a single time while gone. To say that I was horny would be an understatement. Usually, even the slightest vibration will help get me off when I’m in that state, but it didn’t work then and hasn’t since. It actually prompted me to tweet “WORST VIBRATOR OF MY LIFE” out of sheer frustration.

Another thing… WHY is that LED in the tip necessary? I mean, really? It sticks up and makes it harder to clean, I can’t discern a single real purpose for it. Doesn’t it just drain the charge faster? Plus, it makes me feel like I’m snaking a camera up my cooch. Any time the vibrator is on, so is the light… and it is actually pretty bright. I haven’t used it with a partner, and probably won’t at this point, but I feel like if I gave it to someone to use on me it would be like they were spelunking… and that just doesn’t seem sexy to me.

It is made of ABS plastic and the bullet is covered in a PU coating they dub “Velvet-Cote” (care info). The packaging states that it is “Safe and Pure” with some sort of seal, I don’t really trust “seals” made up by companies like Cal-Ex, but the materials are body and all lube safe. There are, however, lots of cracks and crevices for fluids to get into… so this is a one person (or fluid bonded only) toy. It isn’t super simple to clean, and cannot be submerged in water. Though taking the detached bullet and scrubbing it in the sink didn’t kill it for me.

The claims that it is eco-friendly are partially true, they did minimize packaging and it doesn’t need batteries. However, I’m not going to pick it over a toy that works. They claim that it is great for camping, and this is true… but unless you are going to use the toy a whole lot, or a gone a long time, you can just use something re-chargable and make sure it is fully charged before leaving. Or, bring some extra re-chargable batteries with you for other toys.

I really wanted this to work, but it would take a better bullet. One that, you know, gets me off? As it stands, this thing is more like a vibrating flashlight than a sex toy. Maybe since being green is so popular they’ll try and tweak it to make it better, or maybe this is just a novelty item intended to hit a few buzzwords. My choice for green toys will remain with Tantus silicone for the time being, unless someone comes up with a good vibrator that is truly eco-friendly and works.