A few months back there was a rumbling among the sex blogger community, reviewers were getting emails asking that they write about a blow job book. The rumor was that he was a bit of a chauvinist, but it wasn’t until I saw his website that I really understood what a dick we had on our hands. The email continued making the rounds, and I was certain he’d never contact me, I was too new and too unknown to be included in the elite club that is Jack’s chosen ones (i.e. EVERYONE). I even discouraged other bloggers, telling them how horrific he was and that they might not want to review for him. The day finally arrived that I, too, received the email, and for a long time it sat unanswered. I wasn’t ready to respond as fabulously as Epiphora had; and while I wanted to shred him to bits, I couldn’t bring myself to give him any more publicity. But when J_Hussein decided that she was going to actually REQUEST the book for review a plot fell into place and several of us decided to give Jack exactly the kind of attention he really deserves.
First things first, Jack’s Blowjob Lessons is a $47 e-book. That’s nearly $50 for a fucking pdf file, people. If I’m going to spend that much on something sex related then it had better be getting me off, and WELL. The “cover” is, well, bananas. Literally. So what does your money buy you? Well, according to Jack, you’ll learn how to “Be ‘The One’.”
Apparently, we girls (we’re not even going to get into the gender issues that are ignored in this book) don’t know how to give good blow jobs. Actually, here are a few “facts,” as presented by Jack:
- “90% of women don’t know how to give a good blowjob”
- “The most amazing experience a man can get is a perfect blowjob”
- “THE BEST way to satisfy a man is to give him amazing head”
- “the skill to give amazing blowjobs… is crucial for a good relationship”
- It is very important for you girls to let a man ejaculate in your mouth at least once in a while. If you don’t do it, only two things are possible: a) he gets pissed and ends the relationship, and b) he says ‘It’s ok if you don’t do it, baby, I love you anyway.’ and goes to a street hooker.
woman girls don’t know how to do the one thing that is critical to all of the male species. Also, he’s going to leave you if you don’t do it right. No, really… take for example… Jack! Jack got married once, but he divorced her when she refused to give him head, he claims he’s serious. But that’s okay, because now he’s gone on to receive “literally thousands of blowjobs,” in fact, he “gets a blowjob every day of the week.” That’s because he’s found his angels, girls who know what they’re doing and, apparently, do nothing but suck him off. If you don’t know what you’re doing, then have no fear, Jack is here to teach you how to “blow like a decent girl should.”
Since he’s been with “somewhere between 500 and 1,000″ women, he MUST know what he’s talking about, right? Like how you can’t really get STDs from oral sex. Spoiler alert, Yes. You. Can. But what do you expect from a guy who uses smiley faces throughout his book about sex? While I’m on the subject of Jack, himself, I should tell you that the reason he knows what good oral is in the first place is because of the amazing blowjob he received from a “professional.” Now, I didn’t put professional in quotation marks for no good reason, that’s how Jack does it. Because sex workers must not be real professionals, so we’d better use those marks to designate and keep people from confusing them for someone with a “real” job.
According to Jack we all need to give blowjobs like porn stars. Well here’s a newsflash, Jack, I am a porn star. Or a former one, at least. Which makes me about as qualified as your co-author (possibly more, at least I can give you my name and you could find the sites I’ve worked on, can’t say that for her). So let me just tell you this: every woman has the ability to give a blow job “like a porn star.” The reason they give such good oral is because they’re enthusiastic, consenting and PAID. Now, you don’t have to pay me to get a great blowjob from me, in reality, my best work has been off screen. The enthusiasm and consent, though, are critical. Both of those are present when I’m with someone I like, who turns me on, and when I’m in the damn mood. Not every day, not all the time, not when-you-want-it-because-you’re-the-man-dammit. But I can guarantee you that if you give me reason to, and I want to, I can give you the best damn blowjob of your life. I don’t need a book to tell me how, and it has nothing to do with my career in porn.
Jack says the most important thing in giving a great blowjob is a good attitude, and that is where our common beliefs diverge, never to meet again. The problem here lies in what his idea of a good attitude is. If you aren’t thinking “he is giving me incredible pleasure from letting me suck his hard, tasteful cock” then you’re doing it wrong. Remember “he is letting you suck his dick – which is amazing, because there is nothing in the world you love more than licking, sucking and stoking your mans dick.” Yeah, if that’s the attitude you’re supposed to have, then I’m proud to say I AM THE 90%.
But those attitudes are normal, because females are to be submissive to their men, their “kings.” In fact,
Blow jobs are in some way a method to convey make dominance over the female. It is natural for a man to be dominant in sex, and by giving him a blow job you are showing ultimate submissiveness – and thereby giving him the ultimate pleasure. Remember girls – this is NATURAL, that’s the way it should be by nature. So forget about feminism when giving head.
Ok, wow. So… moral of the story is, be a good girl and worship your man’s cock. Men are only dominant, women only submissive. Also, feminists can’t give good head. Do I really even need to tell you how I feel about all this? I’m not going to go on a feminist rant right now, but let it be known that I couldn’t disagree more. Oh, and if you want to discuss how female dominance is a turn off, then I’ll direct you to my submissive, my male submissive. Who, dare I say, is “man enough” to be subservient to a woman, all the while knowing his own power. Wait, I’m sorry, Jack. Didn’t you know? In any power exchange it’s the submissive who really has the power, if they didn’t then there would be nothing for them to give to the dominant to control. The submissive always has the final word, at the end of the day, the dominant only has as much power as is loaned to them.
But you want a man, right? We girls all do. We’re weak, and we just want someone to love us. Jack has the answer, if you do everything he says then “he’ll love it. He’ll love YOU, actually.” Well if that don’t beat all.
Jack can truly teach you everything you need to know, forget what you learned in school and replace it with this:
- Math: “slutty plus happy equals – SUPER ORGASM”
- Phys Ed: “So you’ve got some extra junk in your trunk – go to the gym”
- Foreign Language: (about the penis) “The shaft is also called “the stick” or fallus in Latin” (Uh, no… no it doesn’t mean that)
- Statistics: “There are 10 times as many hot girls than great guys”
- Health: “swallowing (semen) – reduces the chances of getting STD’s (yes, he used the apostrophe) when giving head”
On the topic of swallowing, it’s just about the only way. Though he will give you other options, it all comes back to: if you swallow you’re a good girl, if you spit (or do anything else in excess) you’re a bad girl. Fantastic, good to know I have some options. Please throw any crazy ideas you may have had about 69-ing out the window, it doesn’t allow him to enjoy himself fully. Plus, “as you probably know, guys have a problem doing more than one thing at a time.” I’m glad to see he’s giving guys about as much credit as he is the ladies.
A few more random points, just because
- You should never tease your man, ever. This is said right at the end of the chapter on how to tease properly.
- “Most girls just hold it in their mouth as if it was a hotdog and put their mouth in and out like robots…”
- A technique he designates as a personal favorite is also something that “should be used all the time,” because having preferences different from his is not allowed.
- A guy that is genuinely concerned about how you feel is just shy, “he wants to fuck the living shit out of you.”
- Guys love it when you scream “fuck me,” unless they’re gay.
- If you reach around to a guys ass without asking first he’ll hit you. But it’s ok, because it’s just a reflex.
By the way, you should be listening to some Enigma while giving your blowjob, maybe you should do that now. You know, to set the mood. Try this: The Voice of Enigma
So there you go, if you want to know how to get and keep a “great man,” then Jack is “equipping you girls with bazookas, shotguns and AK-47′s… so you can get out there and win that war. Destroy the competition.”
Everyone say it with me now: “Fuck me Jack, fuck meee,please aaah”! After reading his book, I kind of feel like he already did. Jacky, baby, I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
Jack didn’t just fuck me, it was an orgy! Check out these lovely ladies for their take on the man of a thousand blowjobs:
And you simply MUST check out Epiphora’s post that sums the whole thing up: Jack’s Blowjob Lesson: the scam and the take-down