01

Oh HELL No: Fuck My Cock

It’s a penis. With a tiny butt instead of balls. When I said I liked pegging, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind…

“You’ve always dreamt of going bareback on a tight ass while you stroke a hard cock, so what are you waiting for? This handheld masturbator has a pair of perfectly round ass cheeks connected to a thick 7″ cock!”

How did you know, this is exactly what I’ve always wanted!? Okay, so maybe I’m not the target demographic, but still. Wait, strike that, it’s labeled as a unisex product, we’re back on! Also, let’s glorify unprotected sex, while we’re at it.

“This bad boy will let you fuck his bubble butt while you reach around and jack him off! Slap his big round ass and listen to the whack–it sounds and feels just like a real ass!”

Just like a real ass! Only tiny, and made of “Fanta Flesh”

“Wraps around your cock and clings to every inch of your pleasure rod with each stroke.”

Mmm… pleasure rod.

“As always use plenty of Moist Lube for an extra wet encounter”

Yesss… just what the experience needs… the burn of nettle extract!

0

Oh, HELL No: Penis Tonguizer

What’s going on here?

I mean, really. Does anyone know why this thing exists?

Yeah, that is a tongue magically growing under that penis.

And just look at all the lovely JELLY colors it’s available in!

My life is complete.

0

Oh, HELL No: Baconlube

I may love bacon, I do, really.

But I don’t want my lady parts to smell like bacon, and I don’t want my partners parts to taste like bacon either.

And don’t even get me started on using it as a massage oil.

Besides, I could never pull that nose off.

3

Oh, HELL No: Tongue Tickler

Guys, I’m scared.

No, really… I’m totally frightened by this thing…

It’s HORRIFYING. Why would anyone want this thing?

I mean, why is the nose so huge and pointed? Dear lord, why does it have PINK SILICONE TEETH???

It is waterproof, and silicone… and “satisfies your every whim,” so there’s that.

BUT JUST LOOK AT IT. Nightmares, I tell you. Nightmares.